13 Ways to Kill a Nobody
by Inuobsessed004
Summary: There are many ways to kill a nobody, but apparently no-one has tried them…..PARODY
1. Death by Pedoleech

A/N: I wanted to write a humor fic, so yeah, …..and discussions with commuters have spurred this.

THIS IS PURE PARODY…I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!

Summary: There are many ways to kill a nobody, but apparently no-one has tried them…..PARODY

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13 Ways to Kill a Nobody

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Ch1/13: Death by Pedo-leech

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Roxas frowned, traveling through Twilight Town as he usually would, minus one elusive member. He continued his emo-ish and angsty downward spiral of emotions that he wasn't supposed to have. He sighed, climbing the stairs to the Clock Tower that was continuously abandoned, because no-one _REALLY_ worked there or anything.

He sat on the edge of the overhanging balcony, because that was safe by any standards. He swung his feet lazily, bored out of his little zombie-mind. He looked around, once behind him, to make sure he was alone, and once in front of him, to make sure there were no floating replicas.

He gently unfolded the wrapper to the sea-salt ice-cream he had inexplicitly acquired, and begin to gently suck on it as if it were a lollipop or any other object of that shape and or size. He smiled happily to himself, perhaps sugar was the cure to everything. Now he wouldn't have to join Sora or help the Organization try to finish that huge floating heart thing. He smirked to himself, twirling a strand of blonde hair around his finger.

"HEYYYYY ROXY!"

Roxas stopped moving and breathing. He slowly turned and met the emerald eyes of the beast. The pedo-leech, also known as…

"A-axel?...Oh, funny meeting you here."

Axel grinned his Cheshire cat grin, "Oh Roxy, you know that I know ALL about this place."

Roxas facefaulted, trying to mentally put up a wall between himself and the friendly red-head. Axel continued to approach, chuckling, "Oh Roxy, funny thing I wanted to show you."

He scratched his head lightly, looking embarrassed, "You see I…kind of.." He continued to approach, and Roxas backed away.

Roxas blinked, feeling as if he was…FALLING?

Roxas screamed, "OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Axel let out a girlish scream, "ROXXXXXXY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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A/N: Yeah, 13 is down. Please R&R.


	2. Death by Allergies

A/N: Back by popular demand, okay it's been like a day….but whatever!

Oh and if you didn't notice, I'm working backwards in the Organization.

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13 Ways to Kill a Nobody

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Ch2/13: Death by Allergies

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Larxene smirked, strolling through Castle Oblivion with not a care in the world. She was going to take over the Organization, paint her nails, straighten her hair, kill Marluxia afterwards and perhaps make a smoothie. She chuckled evilly, rubbing her hands together in a mischievous way. She heard the sound of boots clicking on the white marble floors and she paused.

"Larxene? Is that you girl?"

Larxene paused, sighing to herself, how did she get paired with the most feminine assassin ever? _Really?_ She rolled her eyes, _'I mean how come only the EXTREMELY girly pink-haired freak was the one who decided that Mansex was nuts and we needed to overthrow him?'_

"WHAT Marluxia?"

Marluxia crossed his arms, coming to a stop behind her as she faced him; he pushed his hair away from his face, petals scattering around him. Larxene instantly pulled a handkerchief from her cloak, covering her mouth and nose, her sinuses were killing her; she didn't need the walking perfume aisle to make it worse.

Marluxia pouted adorably, or what he considered was adorable; Larxene thought it was repulsing, "I tolllld you, call me Mar-Mar or Marly!"

Larxene grit her teeth together, "Fine, what do you need _Marly_?"

Marluxia put his hands on his hips, a one-hundred percent manly move, "I need you to help me find out about Axel, feel him out, see if he'll join us."

Larxene sighed, "FINNNNNEEE." She snorted, _'why don't I do more of the work?'_

Marluxia smirked, twirling some of his pink locks around his finger, "Good, I expect no less from yo-…from you-….from !"

The sneeze hit Larxene like a ton of bricks, her eyes rolled up into the back of her head, and she fell over, twitching as she suffocated on the smell of the snot and spittle that covered her face.

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A/N:…..yeah…Marly joke. Please R&R!


	3. Death by Love

A/N: Thanks to Pen-chanTheFangirl for reviving this story and giving me an idea for Chapter 3!

13 Ways to Kill a Nobody

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Chapter 3/13: Death by Love [Marluxia]

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Mar-Mar could not for the nonlife of him believe what had happened to his dearest gal-pal Larxene! Of course, he was blamed being that his snot was the thing that killed her…. But Mar-Mar Marvelous Von Marluxia was not about to let that dampen his camp sprits oh no. His babies had to be watered and pampered.

Stepping into the green garden and jungle that was his room he smiled as he came to his prize plant, his Venus fly-trap that was of a special breed, it was of the Vexen breed. Yes, Marluxia admitted to himself that he was more than a little obsessed with the cold scientist, and probably letting his Venus fly-trap 'Vexie' eat Vexen's blood was probably not the best idea.

However, to Marluxia's, or Mar-Mar's credit, the blood did give the plant a personality that highly resembled the Chilly Academic and Mar-Mar soon fell in love with doting on the plant, he watered it and feed it live animals, usually Demyx's goldfishes which he told him all died because no one loved him and sent the Nocturne into a spiral of crying and begging one of the members to love him.

Mar-Mar bent over, smiling and humming as he picked up a squirrel, ignoring the ominous sense jerking through his brain as a vine wrapped around his leg. He dropped the dead animal, head whirling around to look at the plant, "V-Vexie?"

Vexie rumbled an evil chuckle, leaves rubbing together in a cackling manner as the plant spread his legs, Marluxia suddenly regretted all those times he had molested Vexen, "V-vexie hold on!"

Vexie then proceeded to drop Marluxia's pants, the other vine picking up the dead squirrel and shoving it abruptly and unannounced between his legs and slightly inside the Assassin, a high pitched squeal of pain followed by disturbing pleasure as the plant itself was confused how the Assassin was turned on was soon extinguished as Vexie picked Marluxia up and dangled him over it's awaiting 'mouth.'

There was a strangled bunch of pleas before Marluxia was swallowed whole and digested. A dent to the Assassin's pride would be how no one looked for him in his hellish room and how his dear Vexen twirled and danced the night away in his labs, finally able to bend over without fear of anal rape.


	4. Death by Luck

A/N: Unnecessary puns and YGO crossover.

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13 Ways to Kill a Nobody

Chapter 4/13: Death by Luck [Luxord]

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Shuffling his deck in that calm and English way of doing things. It was no surprise when the strange young man with spikey bat-shaped hair had challenged him to a duel that he accepted, no matter what the cost was. He was the Gambler of Fate and be damned if he wasn't going to gamble his soul to this 'Shadow Realm' or whatever the man had said in his equally British accent yet not so patient as he.

He didn't exactly understand the rules of the game nor did he trust his fate to the heart of the cards, no matter what, he trust Lady Luck. He hoped she was smiling down upon him because he was really craving that tea session he had planned with Cid, the man got angry without his tea….

Suddenly the white-haired boy had beat him and he was all out of cards. He pondered many things in those moments, one, why was his weapon a stack of cards? Two, what was he supposed to do with those cards? Three, why was all the rum gone?

He watched his body slowly disappear from the feet up and let out a horrified sound, whisping into nothingness.


	5. Death by Idiocy

Chapter 5: Death by Idiocy [Demyx]

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Demyx smiled as he pulled out his new bowl. He had purchased a gigantic bowl made of plastic, just to aggravate the others while he managed to hog all the popcorn to himself. No more Lexaeus being so quiet that no one noticed him eat the bowl. No more Axel burning the kernels to a crisp. No he said, not at all.

He then looked at a small bag, it said some words that Demyx didn't care to read so he ripped it open, blinking as he stared at the small plastic pieces that resembled candy, "Yay free candy!"

He dumped the candies into his mouth and swallowed, going about his day until his stomach churned and he vomited out blood. He blinked in a confused manner then dropped dead. The bag marked, 'Do not ingest' dropped out of his pocket, leaving the others with a reason for his death.


	6. Death by EXPLOSIONS

Chapter 6: Death by EXPLOSIONS [Axel]

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Axel grinned and chuckled, picking up the unmarked container with a sinister and mischievous look. So Mansex had a secret stash eh? He crackled his knuckles and went to work, lighting the tips of his fingers on fire and then applying them to the box.

This was his revenge for all the porn Xemnas had confiscated, all the times he had broken up him and his darling and not forgotten Roxas, all the missed meals, stupid missions and ridiculous speeches.

"Haha now your Napalm facial cream will be destroyed!"

No one could find a single part of Axel left.


	7. Death by Nosebleed

Chapter 7: Death by Nosebleed [Saix]

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Saix went into Xemnas' offices to drop off missions and looked around, wondering were his Superior had disappeared. The office was bare and the only sign he had been in there was the chair, which was pushed to the side; otherwise the room was clean and pristine.

He paused for a moment, then moved over to the cherry desk and set the papers down, organizing them by member when he heard a sound. His pointed ears perked up and he turned, eyes growing wide when the Superior walked in, completely and utterly….nude.

Xemnas turned as a body hit the floor, which was now doused in blood from Saix's massive nosebleed.


	8. Death by Knowledge

Chapter 8: Death by Knowledge [Zexion]

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Zexion flipped aimlessly through the security tapes, assigned to find a reasoning for Saix's sudden and unexplained death. He had already gone through most of his day, up until the point when he had entered the Superior's office. He leaned in to observe further, watching Saix enter and organize papers then he turned. He watched Saix fall over, curious how he had died all of a sudden.

He refocused the camera so that it turned to the source of Saix's demise, then Zexion put a hand to his face, he looked at the crimson liquid and fell over, suffering the same fate.


	9. Death by Speaking

Chapter 9: Death by Speaking [Lexaeus]

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Lexaeus just wasn't the same without Zexion around, he had become doom and gloom, unable to vent his frustrations and unknowingly said the wrong thing and the wrong time to the wrong person.

He looked at the crappy meal in disgust, grimacing at the utter lack of cooking in the castle now that the neophytes were gone. He sighed, "This sucks Mansex." The other five Originals heads snapped up at the sound of his voice and the silverette at the head of the table roared.

Lexaeus suddenly saw red before it all went blank.


	10. Death by Experiment

Chapter 10: Death by Experiment [Vexen]

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Vexen growled, smashing the failed experiment done, ignoring Repliku's neverending questions as he bugged him about this and that.

Repliku pointed to a button on one experiment, "Daddy can I press this?"

Vexen rolled his eyes, snapping on his goggles and picking up some chemicals, "Gah! Yes sure, go ahead."


	11. Death by Irony

Chapter 11: Death by Irony [Xaldin]

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Xaldin had always seen himself as a sharp, stabby weapons kind of person. He refused to use guns, called them stupid and unworthy of one such as himself. He sat alone in the Grey Area, waiting for the other remaining members to join him.

He didn't hear the explosion at first, it was muffled. He didn't see Xigbar poof in the room at first, he was distracted. He didn't see the Arrowguns unload a whole cartridge as the shockwave made Xigbar hit the trigger, he was too manly to die like that.


	12. Death by Karma

Chapter 12: Death by Karma [Xigbar]

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Xigbar always said Karma was a bitch. An old crusty bitch, that was for sure. He contemplated this as he opened Xaldin's bedroom door, which was armed against intruders, regretting his choice of guns and regretting listening to Xemnas tell him to clean the rooms for any new members.

Damn…..Karma sucked ass.


	13. Death by Kingdom Hearts

Chapter 13: Death by Kingdom Hearts [Xemnas]

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Xemnas reached his hands up to the sky. Begging Kingdom Hearts to do him one favor, "Kingdom Hearts! I beg of thee, bestow me some new members, intelligent ones!" He smiled as he looked up, eyes twinkling with delusional merriment.

He paused, blinking slowly, why did Kingdom Hearts…appear to be…falling?

He thought about this, how was this possible?

Why was this happening to him?

What had he done to deserve this?

He looked back up, the celestial body inches from his face as he thought, ….'Shit.'


	14. Reborn by Repliku

Chapter 14: Reborn by Repliku

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Sora couldn't believe what he was seeing. After going up thirteen levels in The Castle That Never Was, he was greeted by a young version of Riku sitting in a pink dress, offering tea to various colored dusks in a polite manner.

Sora slowly approached, not knowing if this was a trick of some sort, "…..Where's Organization Thirteen?"

Repliku smiled, adjusting the bib on the silver dusk next to him, which was flailing its arms in a dramative manner, needing attention. Repliku then turned to Sora and offered him a seat, which the keyblader hesitantly took, "Oh they died."

Sora blinked, "…they what?" He pushed the lanky red dusk away from him, concerned at how it seemed to be attracted to him and only encouraged by him shoving it away.

Repliku giggled in sing-song, "They di-edddddd." He hummed a happy tune and adjusted the bow on the pink dusk, who immediately ripped it off and replaced it with a pink bow, not happy with the blue bow it had been offered. Repliku offered a cup of tea, "More tea?"

Sora just pushed the red dusk down and picked up the cup, sipping it and wondering where the great Organization had gone….his chain of thoughts was broken however .."STOP HUMPING MY LEG!"

Repliku smacked the red dusk with a newspaper, "Bad Axel! Bad!"


End file.
